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Saturday, October 25, 2014

If death would of made a appointment, I may have been more prepared.....

I have not blogged in a long time but I need to talk….
In 2011, I meet a wonderful man name Mike. He blessed me with his love, his fails, his wins, his growth, his strength, weakness and his smile. He had no children but loved mine as if they were his own. He protected me and I protected him, WE PROTECTED each other. Like any relationships we had our up and downs. No matter what we worked through them and loved remained.
We were able to travel with my job to a few places in Michigan. Mike was my roadie and only driver to and from my work training, also was VERY supportive of my work and was a huge breastfeeding advocate. He said when we got together he truly begin to see and understand the importance of my job as a WIC Breastfeeding Specialist. For leisure when time permitted we would get away to various cites with in 6-8 hrs drive of Michigan. However the ultimate trip and my favorite was the Bahamas! He told me it was a blessing to be able to go to another county with me, and I told him the blessing was mine to be with him. I almost didn’t think the trip would happen the way he fussed about the budget. Mike always thought ahead! We had even started planning our wedding. We found information about being married in the Bahamas and it triggered the conversation. We both agreed we didnt want to be married in the Bahamas, as we wanted to be with friends and family on our special day.  That conversation continued after the Bahamas as well. He told my son, next year we were gonna be married. That thought bring me tears. In my heart I feel like I lost my husband and just my man. However I can only smile as I look over a GLIDE video of him saying he was so thankful he came cause he could be doing nothing in the city and he would missed out on that life changing moment.
Fortunately for me I have over 200 plus GLIDE video conversations, the good the bad and the ugly with Mike. I have since saved them all to a removable sd card. They are so precious to me. To not just have pictures and have animated moments saved of a loved one is more than I could ever ask! My fondest memories are of him and my toddler Gliding me while I was out of town in West Virginia on a business trip for my job, showing me almost by the hour what they were doing. Keke and Mike were peas in a pod, best of buds! He loved her as if she was his own child.
August 4, 2014 will forever be burned in my heart, this was the day I lost my best friend, my man, my family, my protector, my love.  Mike was 32 when he shot to death as he tried to drive away on Detroit west side on Washburn at 8/Wyoming. He left our home around 11:45/50 pm and said “Ill be right back like I left something” kissed me told me he loved me as he always did whenever he left the house. He sat in the car listening to some music and smoked a cigarette. Then drove off. I went to sleep, knowing I would be woke up from his music in his truck as he pulled in the driveway. However there was no sound, no call, no nothing. He was pronounced dead at 12:30 am Aug 4, 2014.
Thinking back on the events of that day I wonder did he know he would be in something tragic. Im sure he didn’t think death. I just don’t know.  When we woke up that Sunday I had a overwhelming urge to make him one of his favorite dishes. Corn beef, cabbage, red skin potatoes, and cornbread. ( next to my famous nachos he would request 4 times a week this dish was his main one I would cook)  I know you may say why all the details but they every second that I was with him means something to me. I HAVE to remember every second he was with me because it all I have.  I make his plate and get his drink. He grab me and say,  ” do you know who how much I love you”, I tell him yes I know. He kisses me and then say the now most chilling thing I have heard, ” you know this is one of my favorite meals you make, and if I were to die today, this would be the meal I would want to eat”, I looked at him and playfully hit his arm fussing and being serious saying “why would you say that? don’t ever say that that!”. He saw it upset me and hugged me tight and said “dam baby im just playing, you know I aint going no where, I love yo ass” he kissed me and told me grab the salt. Thinking back on this conversation it made me replay conversations almost 2 months before he was killed. He would say little things like “you remember my password to FB, my ATM card, my online bank account, my Instagram, and do you remember how to unlock my cell?”. He would ask me this often the months before he was killed. I have ALWAYS had Mikes  passwords, we had EACH OTHERS passwords years ago, I NEVER used them as I never felt the need to go into his accounts. Mike was constantly saying that not matter what, of he would make sure me and my kids were good if something happen to him. None of these instances hit me until the moment it was confirmed he was dead.
I often wonder do GOD give you insight that your “time” is up soon and you begin to get things in place? Many a nights I have cried myself to sleep with that thought pounding in my head. Many of nights I cried and still sometimes do asking what could I have said that night to make him stay home. Many nights I have cried and still do asking myself what made you go on that street when you had not been over there for almost 2 months. What guided your steps to leaving me? WHY?WHY? Yes I digress and talk to him in the middle of thought… its been 2 months and I’m still looking for the peace of mind and letting go of yesterday and tucking Mike in heart and moving forward. I can say that lately I can look at his pictures, look at our GLIDE conversations, which I still struggle looking at and not break down in tears, as they are slowly turning into tears of joy, slowly.
I look forward to seeing a picture of Mike, or a GLIDE conversation with Mike, hearing his favorite song, hearing a saying he was famous for saying and just smile at the thought of what we had and not die again inside and crumble to tears. But when? What is the date on acceptance? What is the time frame on your heart being broke at love loss so suddenly so tragically?
I know Mike has passed but in MY heart its easier to say he is gone away for a few years and he will be back, and I need to be ready. I know that crazy, I promise I know that is crazy to think. I know he is gone and wont be back physically but I cant get that to stick in my heart. One thing I know without a doubt, is that I am blessed to have had all my friends near and far come together for me in a real way and keep me mentally grounded and held me with all my tears and those who were far gave me a listening ear and virtual hugs. Even my job came through in realest way but donating some of their PTO time in “bank” so that I was able to have the month of August off to focus. I still cry at the very thought of their generosity! Well that’s all I have to say, just felt the need to “talk” and share with my blog followers. If anyone reading this have suffered a loss similar to this, even a “peaceful” passing, feel free to commit, leave advice, and words of encouragement. I am actually looking for “loss support group” to attend. I have a few friends that have experienced a loss and have been very supportive and relate to what Im feeling. All I know is If death would have made a appointment I would of been more prepared…or not. #RIPMIKE #LoveYouToLife

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